I was burned out.
I didn't really realize how stressed out I was until we were sitting around the campfire talking & suddenly I was crying. It might sound overly dramatic or emo, but it's true. I put a *lot* of pressure on myself. I balance a lot of things on a daily basis and I'm starting to feel the effects of it.
When you work from home, blog, use flickr, etc it's VERY easy to get wrapped up in trends, cliques, habits, etc...you start comparing yourself & it turns into a slippery slope.
And I was becoming OBSESSED with being this crazy work horse! You need something quilted? Sure, give me a day. You want a full size quilt? Sure, no problem, give me 72 hrs. Custom order? No problem. Updating etsy? Got it. Silkscreening? Add it to the list. Cooking all my meals from scratch? No worries. Paying off $2,850 in medical bills in 3 months on top of regular bills? Done & DONE.
Being a wife? Not doing so hot. Being a good friend? Ditto.
I was getting up at 6 am & sewing until 2-3 am since we moved. Weekends. Memorial Day. It wasn't stopping.
I guess even right now I'm afraid that if I take a day off, I'll fall behind, people will yell & stomp their feet, my business will fall apart, all my hard work will be gone.
The truth is, I'm a very insecure little person. I've carved out my own little niche and group of friends who I adore. And the more people who comment, the more people who favorite, etc, instead of feeling good, I feel like I gotta constantly keep showing *myself* up! I want more people to like me mostly because I want to meet new friends with common interests.
But I took a weekend off. We'd planned on camping but it was raining. So we rented a cabin. With no cell phone service. No internet. Nothing. Just Porkchop & I. And we talked. And talked. About the past. About the future. Our goals.
I realized I *want* to be a successful quilter & small business owner. But that's just ONE part of the person I want to be. I want to be a great wife, I want to be a fantastic friend, I want to laugh more, I want to journal more, I want to take my time, I want to just create stuff that genuinely makes ME happy. I'm not the type of quilter/person who makes stuff to "please" others but lately people have been suggesting that if I do "this, this this and THIS" that I could have blog sponsors and more traffic and more more more more, the insecure & needing other peoples approval part of me is like "YES! I'LL DO IT ALL".
But the realistic side of me is realizing that I'm just one girl. Who happens to like to sew. I'm not going to stop trying to be a better quilter, photographer, creative person because that's part of the growing process. But I am going to be content & allow myself to take breaks and indulge in alone time. I'm going to answer emails slowly & thoughtfully. I'm going to take my time on custom orders. I'm going to stop. pause. and enjoy the creative process. And my life.